she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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