I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
