Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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