I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
