my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
