My liver just broke up with me...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
