Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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