If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
