she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
