He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
