I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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