So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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