If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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