i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
