YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
