I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize