I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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