all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
