imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
