You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
