Taylor Swift is so right about you.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
