Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
