Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
