the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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