Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
