and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have already put on my inside pants.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
