Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
