Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
