and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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