The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
