If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
