On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize