No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
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