I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
