Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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