I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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