I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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