If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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