I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
