Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
