its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
