I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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