His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
