Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How does one acquire holy water?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
