You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize