I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
worst night to have a conscience
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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