We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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