Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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