Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
