I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
