Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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