if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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