Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
