we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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